“I JUST REALIZED…. I AINT DONE SHIT IN LIFE!”
A Bumdog Retrospective
In 2004 I was homeless living in Downtown Los Angles. It was during the period that gentrification was just beginning to gain real momentum. But there was still a plentitude of empty storefronts that local artists were allowed to turn into temporary galleries to showcase their work.
Even though I was sleeping in a parking lot at the time, I got to know many of these local artists and curators personally. I saw the potential of connecting the artists I knew with the shows that were being put on everywhere. And I was eventually allowed to curate an art show. My first one was called “Barflys, Bodyparts, Bedlam and Bumdogs: A photographic journal through Downtown LA”.
It was so well receive that I was given another space on Main Street to do another show of my choosing. This time curated “Book Illustrations/Books as Illustrations”, where I had artists either illustrate their favorite books, or make art out of books.
After that it was “Grease Meets Gronk” where I asked artists make art pieces of their favorite movies.
But eventually the inevitable gentrification of Downtown LA became a rock solid reality. And soon there was no more empty storefronts available. And so ended my art curation career in around 2007, which is also when I left LA to travel around.
I had some adventures traveling around parts of the world in the interval years, before finding myself back again bumming aimlessly through Los Angeles. This time on the Westside, as just looking at how downtown got completely clean up broke my heart.
Some odd months ago I ran into a woman walking her dog on the street who recognized me immediately from Facebook, but as she was talking to me it took me several minutes to realize who I was talking to, Dina Brown. As we strolled along we arrived at a Art Gallery that I had always knew about and liked. In fact I had taken some photos of some displays that had in the front window years before.
It turned out it was she owned the gallery. But she wasnt actually interested in running it anymore, and was looking to let the whole thing go. I asked her if she would let put on a show, as long as she was going to give it up anyway. She wasnt into it, said putting on shows was too expensive, and too much trouble. I told her, if it was ME putting on a show, I would do all the work and, it wouldnt her cost anything. She kept giving me reasons she didnt want to do it, but I kept yakking it up and finally just to console me, said it was a “definite maybe”. Now I knew that was a 90% no. A nice way of saying “I dont want to do this, but I dont want to tell you now, Ill tell you to go fuck yourself at a later time.” But is was good enough for me. It was actually the most encouraging response I had gotten from a female in a long time.
The problem was I had no ideas whatsoever. Which is unusual for me because I usually think up ideas pretty quick. But all the artists I knew I hadnt seen in 10 years, and they were all downtown. This gallery was on the westside, right next to Beverly Hills. The dots were too far apart to connect.
I put it out of my mind for awhile, then out of the blue I got a message from friends in Denver Co. who ran the Wandering Art Gallery. They asked for me to send them some photos that they had seen on Instagram that I had taken on my iPhone walking around LA, . They had some space on their wall they wanted to give it to me for an exhibition that were having that week.
Inspired by Vivian Maier years ago I had started a series I called #findthebumdog, where I took photos in any of the mirrors that I found walking around, usually broken mirrors in the alleys or trash cans.
I never thought of myself as a “photographer”, mainly because Ive known truly great photographers in my life, and sometimes have been photographed by them. Thats when it hit me…… An idea for a show: A exhibit not just of my photos but of all the photographers who, for one reason or another, decided to take a photo of this particular career homeless bum.
My mind started to work on the space. One section in the back of the space would be my photos, other sections for each photographer.
A section for painters and sculptors who had done portraits of me. And a clothes rack with the Bumdog T-shirts in front of a collection of photos people wearing them.
Maybe another part where I could put up my iPad and some of my videos could be playing on it.
Also a little bookshelf where I could put up the last remaining copies of my self published book “Sketches of Nothing by a Complete Nobody”.
I thought it was a good idea, especially for that particular gallery, because I could even put the photos I took of the window displays back in the places where I had photographed them.
SHAME Like the first time.” Right: “GUILT PLUS…BURDEN….DOOM WITH GLOOM”
But I still knew there was a 90% chance that the lady with the gallery would say no. So I decided to create a presentation with video in it to strengthen my chances.
This is when I realized I was making a kind of “self-retrospective”, putting all things Ive done together in the presentation. But as I putting all my accomplishments together into the video made me realize something else…I AINT DONE SHIT IN LIFE!
I mean I really didnt even have enough material to fill up one minute video! I self published one fucking book 17 years ago, who gives a fuck!? T-shirts? Who the fuck doesn’t make T-shirts these days??? My travels? I had no photographs from any of them. My film was my biggest accomplishment, but if you took that out, there was nothing left. I thought that maybe this “retrospective” was kinda egotistical. Me bragging about all that I had done in life.
Instead I was brutally confronted by all the huge black holes in my life where I really had done NOTHING. All the things I wanted to do and didnt. All the things I could have done but was too uninspired, too scared, or too lazy to go through with. I kept working and tweaking on the video to get above just looking liking a slide show, but it it was too depressing NOT SEEING what I could have done with my life, if only I had a little more guts. As King Lear said reflecting on his mistakes that lead him to homelessness “Let me think not on it, that way leads madness”.
At a certain point decided to leave the presentation as it was and just show it with me filling in the blanks in person.
I contacted the woman with the gallery to say I finally had an idea and could I talk to her about it? But she told me she had no intention of having anymore shows at her gallery, period.
Soooooooo……not only was I depressed to not even have my idea heard before I got rejected, but now I was stuck with this really depressing half assed video that repeatedly reminded me what a loser I was.
Oh art curation, thou cruel mistress!
